christmas shopping and jehovah

Whilst 'researching' presents for other people I fell into the pivotal trap that all selfish, dressing-gown wearing people fall into.  I started to become sidetracked with things I found interesting like a Ginger Bread Pirate Ship from Marks and Spencer that your grandad miiiight appreciate because he was in the Navy once.  Or consider purchasing your brother whose musical heroes include Eminem and Plan B the new Florence and the Machine album because once he said that the ginger one from Girls Aloud was fit.   But this is an opportunity because once he has heard the ethereal tones of Ms Welch he will be converted and will thank me one day.

But then, maybe this is why Jehovahs Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas.  They know the score.  You can't change people through an exchange of material gifts even if it is hidden under a veil of Bob the Builder wrapping paper, you can only change people through the confines of door knocking and artificial pleasantries.   I have a fear of all things pleasant and question the validity of the door which only serves to be our own personal Berlin Wall. We shouldn't be knocking on them.  We should be knocking them to the ground and allowing a flow of people into our houses where we can discuss all things revolutionary.  Next on the agenda: Catflaps:  Why are we trying to restrict and confine Nature?

The moral of the story: Don't try and change people the day the messiah was born. That's just wrong. Save that kind of thing for an event that doesn't matter, like someone else's birthday.

And so with that in mind... I've decided a new approach, I've been told this is called being 'thoughtful'.  So, what would my family really want?  Here's some initial ideas..

Perfect Gifts for My Perfect Family


For my mum 'Trish'

This adorable sweatshirt from MoreTVicar.com. With a URL like that, where could you possible go wrong?  As well as being in a colour that complements the bruises left by the needles it is also completely relevant as she is no stranger to heartbreak.   It's just like Romeo and Juliet,  my mother the vulnerable yet pliable balloon and him..covered in pricks.  Really it was his persistant hatred of Mexicans and offensive hair-cut that was the final straw and so if you're reading this, fuck you Richard Hammond.   

For my granny 'Maud'

Religious fanaticism with a Kat Slater Twist.  I think she'd really love this.  It's perfect for the Sunday Service. Modest yet saucy.  Disturbing yet edgy. The women in her congregation are going to be reduced to speaking in tongues after seeing this statement piece. 

For my dad 'Keith'

After his Japanese wife left him last Christmas, he could really do with some good luck.  What better way to show that I care then to give him a Maneki Neko??  As well as being culturally specific to Japan (which I know holds fond memories for him), the bell around the neck will also act as an alert system incase another more handsome, rich, less bald man happens to run off with it.  I've checked and the bell and collar are removable and so can be adjusted and worn by his next bridal victim providing she has a really thin neck. 

So far.. so good...