This week has mostly been spent coughing, taking my temperature repeatedly and singing the 'Poor Us' song with/at Baxter.
Feel free to try at home; the lyrics are as follows
Poor us (cough cough) Please make a fuss Poor us (cough cough) Can't get on the bus Poor us (cough cough) But we don't have puss (..Repeat till fade until physically stopped by someone..)
After a lot of TLC from Josh it now looks like his immune system has finally been compromised because he has it too. This is no good. This never happens. Both of us can't be ill. With an ill one year old. Well, this IS a fine mess we've got ourselves into. Blargh.
So now I'm doing what I usually do when there is a crisis to be ignored. I'm looking at the Cats in Crisis facebook page and staring longingly at the cute 'Cats in Crisis'. There is nothing perverted about this plus they don't actually look too desperate. Just a bit needy. I'm more in crisis than they are. I have a cold for god's sake.
From Rachael in Crisis (maybe even the plural... crisises..a flock of crisis, crises) wotever. Cough.
This is a parenting piece I wrote for the thrifty, money saving blog My Fabulous Broke Life. Since my last entry here was way back in October; I thought this would be a neat bridging thing for further rambles.
...
Thankfully this is not one of those
cringey, twee ‘Welcome to Motherhood’ guides that are cluttered with
aspirational images of the must-have baby product of the month. Nor is
it one of those ultra organised bullet-pointed shopping lists that
conveniently coaxes you to purchase all the ‘essentials’ at some
supermarket’s Baby Event Extravaganza. This little piece is based
entirely on what I would tell my best friend if she were to fall into a
drain, with a man at the bottom; who just happened to have an erect
penis and wind up pregnant.
However whilst hind-sight is a wonderful
and beautiful thing; sometimes you just have to mess up/waste money/
melt a dummy in the microwave in an attempt to sterilise it more
efficiently (ho hum) before you find out what works best for you. If I
were to meet my pregnant self again; (RUN FOR THE HILLS) then this is my
narrowed down short list of what I’d like to tell her:
1)
Use what yo mama gave you.
Seriously. Breast feed. I could just regurgitate the ole’ saying
‘breast is best’ but frankly that means zilch. The number one reason I
love feeding from the boob is that it makes me feel like a G when I can
whip it out and satisfy my crying hell baby in three seconds flat. Plus
a little part of me wants to be one of those Save the World hippies and
stick two fingers and two erect nipples up at the formula companies who
con some women out of what nature gave them. I feel a longer blog
about booby feeding coming on later but let’s keep it succinct for now..
it’s free and there are a lot of pro boob feeding groups out there who
want to help get new mums started on what could turn out to be the
biggest time and money saver ever.
2) Use and abuse your local Children’s Centres.
They’re FREE. Initially you may feel wary about going but after a few
baby massage groups you’ll be comparing bags under the eyes with all the
other mummies in no time. Also some have sensory rooms which are a
little like being on some sort of acid trip what with the lights,
different textures and glowy bits. Seriously, it’s important to get out
and meet others in the same confusing, new mother haze that magically
seems to clear after a few long months. Be kind to yourself and get out
the house. You may feel like mourning your previous, care-free life but
you belong to a new club now. The Parent Club. And by golly you’ve
earnt your membership..
3) It
can be really easy to get carried away and do a ‘Super Market Sweep’ in
shops like Mamas and Papas. And in no way would I want to begrudge you
that captivating sailor suit with a seagull motif because c’mon, we have
to get our kicks somehow. But if you are a few Sainsbury’s Basics
baked beans away from the poor house like yours truly than I can highly
recommend popping into your local charity shops. The
leg work of sourcing cutesy clothes and paying extortionate prices has
already been done (heh..suckers) and I’ve found some pretty cutesy
garments as well as toys for under a pound. Ker-ching. Plus after your
sproglett has outgrown it and if the item is still in a passable
condition (not partly digested) then you simply return it to the
charity shop and spread the love and make the world go round.
4) Again this one is tempting for the new parent, but shelling out on professional photos
of your little one spread eagle on a giant Furby is not always
necessary. Believe me there will be many photos taken by yourself and
your nearest and dearest that your little one will probably have to take
out an injunction against you and anyway, the candid moments captured
always seem to be the most memorable. One of the upsides of having a
baby is that you will no longer be stuck with what to get the doting
grandparents for Christmas every year because your baby’s mug can be
fashioned onto all kinds of things thanks to websites that rhyme with
spoondig.bomb. Although there will inevitably come a time when all this
‘personalising’ will have to stop because it may be a tad
inappropriate to bribe my future 18 year old son to wear a delightful
teddy bear onesie for a photo but I like a challenge. Oh dear.
5) I
saw this fantastic meme (pronounced me-me or meem??) on Facebook which suggested reading the baby and parenting books and then binning
them and following your instinct. Yippy ki yay! Although understandably, sometimes having something in print can give you the confidence to do
what you would have done instinctively so a foray into a few books wouldn't hurt but my
thoughts are that unless you are trying to deliberately mess up your kid
then… you probably won’t. Listen to advice and ignore it if it makes
you feel uncomfortable but delve into a few books just for the craic to see what other options there
are for fun, timeless classics like sleep training, weaning yada yada
and then do it your way. Because whether you decide to breast feed or
formula feed, splash out on a gorgeous moses basket or have your baby
sleeping with you in your own bed- you are more than likely already
doing or are going to do a great job. High five.
And out of the ashes, a blog-eth by the name-eth of Nobody..eth sprung forth bringing with it the same deep dark hatred of Jeremy Clarkson (still a gimp), love of Josh (still MY gimp) but also a new life..in the shape of a.. Baxter.
No don't be ridiculous, I didn't join the darkside and get me a smelly dawg. I squeezed out a baby boy! On 6 February 2013 our son Baxter David was born. I could say that it was the most memorable event ever and that I had some sort of religious epiphany but I was pretty high on gas and air. I do have some blurry recollections though and may blog about my epicly normal, hum drum birth experience if anyone wants to feign any interest. Ho hum.
The first few months of being a parental figure were pretty mental and I rounded the whole thing off with a nice sprinkling of post-natal depression. But fortunately I was supported by friends, family and 20mg of magic beans and am now a fully functioning being. Plus slightly more happier. Now that relative normality has finally shown its familiar face I thought it'd be a good time to check if whatever High Power that rules the internet (maybe Grumpy Cat??) had deemed this blog neglected and sent it to bloggy heaven. Thankfully not! Previously, I had imagined that this poor blog lay in some sort of internet graveyard, sat on by Dramatic Squirrel gnawing the bones of Tom from Myspace. Alone and destitute all hope was lost. Until now..
This blog entry is a bit of a rip off really. It comprises mostly of things I have found on the internet, thought 'ooh!' and then right click- save as; hoping I'm not going to get sued. To any would-be suers; I have no money. All I have to offer are 3x pouches of Kleenex balsalm tissues. Don't waste your time on the likes of congested ole' me.
It's Margot again! Sorry. But I stumbled on this really nice GIF of her looking ultimately bored with her life. This is a look I've been wishing to emulate for some time. I realise I'm failing and have been relegated to the 'friendly and approachable' catagory. Must. Break. Out. If straighteners and copious amounts of eye liner won't do it then heaven to betsy- what will?
Not much to say here apart from envy Penelope Cruz's face. I only wish I had a herbacious piece of greenery to wear as a moustache too.
Below are some clothes in muted colours that I liked the look of. The skirt reminds me of being given ribbons of pretty tissue paper at school to destroy. I can promise you that if I had this skirt that I wouldn't get carried away with the PVA glue, but that I would cherish it and flounce about in it everyday. Definitely wouldn't have enough balls to wear the hat but it can't stop me dreaming. MUSTARD YELLOW dress with PETER PAN COLLAR and small BUTTONS. I've capitalised the key words. Yes please. Also that blue belted coat with the swish collar that I can't remember the name of. May as well. The rest of the accessories are alright too..
This situation is confusing. I can appreciate the vulnerability, the wide eyed Kate Bush look and also the bodice/belt but is that robot supposed to fall on her? Either way, aesthetically dodged anonymous model lady!
I hate myself for posting this but the screen capture was just too pretty not to. I hate the film Amelie generally for the reasos that I understood that Tatou has large, doe eyes five seconds in. Showing the same starey, intense image of Audrey looking into the camera in every frame doesn't make me melt. It makes me extremely suspicious and wondering if she is the spokesperson for 'Newspeak'...but then of course I got suckered in by the colours and the mustard-y yellowness of it all. Damn you Audrey Tatou.
And lastly if Audrey Tatou's bulging eyeballs didn't depress you enough. A quote from one of my favourite books 'Lunar Park' which on a dank and dismal Sunday is starting to make more and more sense.
i've been in a bit of a shmaltzy mood today, maybe motivated by a late night viewing of 'the time traveller's wife' last night and hysterically weeping that eric banananana didn't look like my henry at all. where were his glasses?? so this naturally led me onto contemplating my top 5 couples in films which is perhaps a pre-emptive valentines day post but... badabingbadaboom. here they are; a brief but tender gaze at some of my favourite couples from the big screen:
first up is margot and richie from the royal tenaunbaums.
i usually want to marry all of wes anderson's characters or at least stalk them from a safe distance. this couple are maybe too cool for words, margot is pretty much a style icon with her long fur coat, painfully straight hair and kohl eyeliner and richie just makes me want to stroke his face. he was able to see through the cloud of co2 she emitted from her cigerettes and she was able to see through that.. beard. which luckily he got rid of half way through the film and managed to look a little like the lead singer from maroon 5.. only more earnest and less slutty. one of my favourite lines is from margot, 'i think we'll just have to be secretly in love with eachother and leave it at that richie'. heart.broken. why do you do this to me mr anderson??
numero deux. joon and sam from benny and joon.
this clip explains it all. johnny depp plays sam; a quirky, mysterious, funny, agile outsider with a penchant for small baguettes. he attempts to woo joon our typical female character in turmoil (she paints) and has 'mental health problems'. is it obvious that i'm less impressed by joon? can i help it if i naturally identify with brunettes? hmm. so does sam succeed in wooing our flaxen-haired weirdo? of course.
maybe a bit predictable but everything happens for a reason. it's charlotte and bob from lost in translation (scarlett johansson and bill murray)
the best duo to run riot in an increasingly alien and at times detached tokyo. i'm a sucker for most films by sofia coppola and the lingering beautiful way she shoots them, so this was always going to be a winner. i like the way it subtley seems to suggest that a love story doesn't have to be a traditional progression from a to b to c but can be brief and fleeting. it's like a love chapter. or maybe a paragraph. (??)
drei. definitely angel-a and andre from the film 'angel-a'. directed by luc besson the same guy that directed leon. just for credentials.
set in paris. je'taime!! andre saves a stunning, giantess of a lady and she returns the favour. maybe. angel-a reminded me of katherine hepburn in 'bringing up baby' at times. following around a man who will eventually appreciate your individuality or in angel-a's case. the longest legs in the world.
now for..four. sean bateman and lauren hynde from 'the rules of attraction'.
all the things that could have been if it wasn't for victor, the townies and maybe that sean is related to a serial killer. it could have all been perfect. rock and roll.
finally five. possibly my favourite couple too is.. clarence and alabama worley from the film 'true romance'.
because if you ignore the fact that quentin tarentino had a hand in this film, the begining of the film is all pretty medicore and then BAM. you realise that clarence has visions of elvis presley telling him what to do and who to killand that alabama is a call girl 'with a heart' as she is often described by strange people who cannot comprehend that she is not lacking a fundamental organ. they are usually in the wrong place at the wrong time and go on a bit of a crime spree. but they do it in the most romantic way.
countdown over. and they all lived happily ever after.
I'm still alive.. just. I guess the reason I haven't been blogging to my audience of 8 people is that firstly, I don't know if you're real people. Watching 'Source Code' has made me doubt everything. Secondly, slowly failing a Masters degree takes a lot of commitment and thirdly... gjkldsjgifdjgdh. I thought I'd return on a lighthearted topic; the kind of topic that you could absently eat malteasers to whilst half-heartedly watching an episode of Come Dine With Me (effective drum roll..) - Child Abuse. In particular literature about child abuse, an effective and new-fangled term for it is 'Misery Lit' a popular genre that creeps me out.
A man who has made gazillions from this market from selling his heartbreaking life to the world is Mr Dave Pelzer, author of 'A Child Called (T)It'. Leaving his lack of credibility aside, Dave the self pro-claimed 'Robin Williams of Child Abuse' has made a lot of money peddling his trilogy; A Child Called It, The Lost Boy and A Man Named Dave and all because the bestselling, money making purge must go on. In 'A Child Called It' Dave describes in graphically, relentless detail about the physical, sexual and emotional abuse he says that he suffered at the hands of his mother. Pelzer reckons that it's 'cathartic' for him to write about the horrors he apparently suffered and probably helpful to other sufferers of abuse who need to break the cycle and tell someone. I have my doubts but sure, then what about his other readers? What are they getting out of this?
It's disturbing that people like reading these types of books whilst at the same time lamenting how 'horrific' it all is and how it makes them feel 'sad'. But increasingly after Pelzer cashed in, a whole host of 'survivors' have tapped into this growing genre. Emotionally manipulative titles like 'Don't Tell Mummy', 'Betrayed' and the directly condescending 'Nobody Wants You'. Hm. All seem to have the same italic, whimsical fonts and the same type of image in wishy washy colours: a child model probably being told to look a bit forlorn with the eyes being later photoshopped to up the anti on the sheer heartbreaking-ness of it all.
I realise that historically sensationalism sells, Edgar Allan Poe managed to appeal and probably at the same time titilise an entire Victorian audience with his Gothic tales of insanity and decomposing corpses of foxy looking women. What's not to like? One of my favourite quotes from poor old Poe is, 'There is nothing more tragic than the death of a beautiful woman'. I think this theory can be applied to the misery lit range and this is why it sells but perhaps the word 'tragic' should be exchanged for 'compelling'.
Even WHSmith have taken note of the popularity of this increasingly bizaare genre and have a section called 'Tragic Life Stories' making it all the more easier to pick up that copy of 'Don't Tell Mummy' and as a real treat a Cadburys Creme Egg for a cosy Friday night in. Deee-licious. I'm not saying that anyone who has read one of these 'memoirs' is a paedophile or future child beater but there does seem to be a disturbing component at play.
One of the most depressing everyday situation that seems to genuinely depict the morbid voyeurism of human nature is when there is a car accident. The majority of people driving past just have to crane their necks a bit and look. I think it comes down to the same morbid curiosity that is probably inate in all of us but that should probably not be fed. E.g. don't rubber-neck and don't buy a book called 'Mummy Knew' and a pack of Cadburys Creme Egg without asking yourself why.
My first blog post in almost a month. Forget important topics like The Golden Globes, a youtube video of a cat peforming a move from Thriller or even a contemplative review of some film starring Owen Wilson. No. Here, I choose to ponder the outfits of fictional characters...No Disney involved..
It's completely normal to drool over clothes created by animators, right? That's what I thought. Here is my top 5 countdown of the most stylish pixelated ladies ever.
5) April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles.
She may have got kidnapped a lot by Shredder but she gets points for bravely rocking a bright, yellow jumpsuit. Completing the look with matching white boots, a belt to cinch in her pixelated waist and a wrist watch, this lady has accessories down to a splint(er). It had to be done.
4) Annabelle from All Dogs Go to Heaven
This is one pooch that is unafraid to go overboard with the feminine details. Although at a disadvantage because there is no outfit to speak of- she makes up for it with the fur-jazzle co-ordinated with her purple eyeshadow. Effortlessly accessorised with a large pink bow that Sarah Jessica Parker could only dream of and pretend to touch- type about to the cutesy heart shaped necklace. It takes a brave lady dawg to wear a pony-tail that high but by golly she manages to pull it off.
3) Mona the Vampire
Channeling her inner goth with the luxurious cape and collar and sticky-out plaits. Mona isn't afraid to stand out from the crowd. She gets extra points for the super eyelashes. Take note: top AND bottom. She adds a sense of fun and frivolity to this eclectic look with bows and fangs. Mona- we salute you.
2) Thumbelina from... Thumbelina
Before Kate Hudson and Nicole Ritchie deigned to plait their hair and don a maxi skirt there was the original hippy child, Thumbelina. During most of the film she wears a folksy skirt teamed with a baby blue belt and gypsy style top. She manages the effortlessly boho look with a messy updo complete with flowers (daisies perhaps?) in the hair. What a statement. And way to attract the fairy prince. Aah Cornelius..
However she makes a transformation when kidnapped by the Beetle and performs for his guests. A mix between Lady Gaga and Queen Amidala from Star Wars, this outfit is amazing. Bonus points.
And at number one.. possibly the chicest mouse ever.. is... Miss Bianca from The Rescuers.
Definitely a worthy winner and not only because there are definite hints of Audrey Hepburn. Her outfits throughout the film demand respect and admiration. She manages to maintain her ladylike charm at all times and keep her faux fur beret on when taking a turbulant flight on the back of a seagull. That takes skill. Complete with the evocative and spontaneous sprays of perfume (it has to be Chanel no.5). Miss Bianca is my #1 cartoon style icon.
No one can make an entrance like Miss Bianca.. Tada
